Goodbye 2020. Hello 2021.
Tonight’s the night. Finally, I’m taking one step closer to a new level of vulnerability that I’m willing to share in hopes to help anyone reading this to know: you are not alone. Quarantining is rough.
All of a sudden it dawns on me that it’s been 9 years, surprisingly, since my first traumatic incident. In some ways it feels much shorter and in other ways it feels sooooo much longer.
So for 9 years, I’ve been learning and adjusting and trying and not trying then trying again to manage my PTSD. I’m not new to mental illness. Depression since about 12 and maybe earlier for anxiety. I was an avid nail biter and remember playing weird counting tricks in my head while walking anywhere. A certain amount steps would be guessed and quickly validated if my estimate of steps leading up to any particular point was accurate or not. I enjoyed it and stressed myself out at the same time. Seems odder now, as I try to describe it.
I’m becoming more comfortable and confident with all the ups and downs of learning new things, like communicating more emphatically and honestly, listening to my physical body more by noticing when my jaws are clenched, I’m holding my breath, heart is pounding, shoulders are pulled up high and tight, a knot in my stomach, distress in my forehead and temples. No wonder I often ache.
This is life at the moment. Has been for a long time. Different phases of my healing journey have taken shape with the love of friends, family, music, acupuncture, massage, medical cannabis, prescriptions, therapists, EMDR and talk therapy, group therapy, transcranial magnetic stimulation, supplements, neurofeedback, genetic testing, and more.
More time for me and my wellness sums it all up in the best way I can think of. Believe me when I say that there have been shit-show moments. Whether I feel like I’m living in a shit-show, working in a shit-show, driving, traveling, etc. it doesn’t matter. In all the chaos I’ve been finding my center without realizing it.
I’ve pushed my limits in more ways than I thought possible.
I look forward to more experiences.
2021 will be and already is… refreshing.
Relax. Rest. Recharge.
Winter is for hibernation, so we may bloom in the Spring.